Friday, November 28, 2008

Oh my goth

Ah, my people. It's not that I don't love you, honestly, but you have to admit, sometimes you are a bit ridiculous. Hark unto this piece of ad copy.

EAU DE GHOUL They all started telling stories, then, of how fine and wonderful a thing it was to be a ghoul, of all the things they had crunched up and swallowed down with their powerful teeth. Impervious they were to disease or illness, said one of them. Why, it didn't matter what their dinner had died of, they could just chomp it down. They told of the places they had been, which mostly seemed to be catacombs and plague-pits ("Plague Pits is good eatin'," said the Emperor of China, and everyone agreed.) They told Bod how they had got their names and how he, in his turn, once he had become a nameless ghoul, would be named, as they had been."But I don't want to become one of you," said Bod."One way or another," said the Bishop of Bath and Wells, cheerily, "you'll become one of us. The other way is messier, involves being digested, and you're not really around very long to enjoy it.""But that's not a good thing to talk about," said the Emperor of China."Best to be a Ghoul. We're afraid of nuffink!"And all the ghouls around the coffin-wood fire howled at this statement, and growled and sang and exclaimed at how wise they were, and how mighty, and how fine it was to be scared of nothing.Dessicated skin coated in blackened ginger, cinnamon, and mold-flecked dirt, with cumin, bitter clove, leather, and dried blood.

Yep, that's what I want, a perfume that makes me smell like dirt, dead skin and...cumin? I'm so confused.

Also this company makes a scent called Glowing Vulva. Um, yeah. If this is a realistic scent I'm thinking dabbing it on your neck and wrists might not be the best plan.

Then again, let's look at this in a positive light. I might quite enjoy having a glowing vulva. Why, think of the money I'd save on lightbulbs! Next time I wanted to create atmosphere during an intimate moment I wouldn't need to get out the candles, just undress. Also, guys, just try claiming that you're unable to find the clitoris when it's GLOWING.

And then there's this.

BRIMSTONE In Hermetic alchemy, brimstone is one of the Three Heavenly Substances, one of the primary alchemical Priciples. It represents the strength of will and the vigor of passion, and it is a symbol of the process of fermentation. A smoky, gritty blend, husky and gray.

Um, isn't brimstone supposed to smell like sulphur? Mmm, sulphur, what a perfect scent for a perfume.


More mocking one's own later. I mean the Twilight movie did just come out...

4 comments:

Dana said...

lol That is... interesting. Though the part about applying Glowing Vulva to your wrists is interesting since I have read strippers say that applying (oh god there's no good way to say this) vagina, er, juice (wince) to your wrists and between your breasts has a definitely noticeable effect. Hurrah pheromones!

To comment completely OT I was reading your profile, and while I would not fit the "third culture" prototype I have travelled and lived in quite (remarkably) different cultures within New Zealand as well as my father being Austrian/English and visiting family over there. I don't know if it's related but I just love the feeling of being somewhere ELSE, breathing in another country and how it feels, particularly non-English speaking. I pine for that feeling.

Anyway! What I was going to say is that everyone spending a significant amount of their youth in more than one culture could go a long way toward minimising bigotry. It's much harder to "other" people when you've lived with them.

Not a unique thought I'm sure but thought I'd share. :)

Cassandra Says said...

Hey there! I agree, spending a significant part of your youth in cultures where you're not the dominant group, if you are part of the dominant group in general, can be extremely helpful in knocking the clueless entitled asshole out of people. Not something we can just arrange for most people, though.

Dana said...

No not really, haha. A friend of mine once suggested that the cure to (most!) racism etc would be if everyone in the world had to pick up and move countries every five years or so.

Totally ridiculous of course but could be kind of cool. Would have to be in some weird actually-functional communist world or something though. :D

Daisy said...

I can't help but think what a great gag gift that would be--just wait until your beloved has had a few, then, apply the Glowing Vulva secretly and he goes--(((Sean Penn voice from FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH))):

WOAH! DUDE!

That would easily be worth the price for me! :D