Psst! Heart and Chasing Moksha – It’s the Clue Phone, and it’s ringing just for you!

So I’ve been following the Special White Lady debacle for the last few days, mostly quietly, and as amusing as it is to laugh at habitual ignorance of some of the less self-aware members of my own race there are times when one gets the feeling that they simply are not grasping what is being said to them. There they sit like the proverbial deer in the headlights, blinking stupidly, apparently completely unable to grasp why, jeez, everyone seems to be all upset with them! What did little old them do to deserve such meanness? Well, as a public service from one white girl to another, let me clue you both in.
What people are objecting to isn’t just what you’re saying, it’s the tone in which you’re saying it. Now I know that tone can be hard to interpret on the internet, but in both your cases the stench of martyrdom hangs pretty thickly over everything you write. What most people are taking away from your threads is a general sense that you consider yourselves to have made huge, giant sacrifices by marrying black men, and that you feel that those sacrifices entitle you to both praise and frequent pats on the back.
This is where the problem lies. Firstly, the idea that you made a sacrifice by marrying your husband? Pretty icky all around. Not very flattering to him, does not speak well of how much you value him as a person. Doesn’t speak well of you, either, the fact that you appear to consider yourselves above an entire category of human beings.
And there’s the other thing. That idea that you “married down” that permeates everything you write? Pretty racist, honestly. Likely to cause offense in most people of the thinking variety. Guaranteed to push the piss off buttons of most people of color, and for good reason.
And then there’s your whole “I speak for my husband” business, Chasing Moksha. Is the man not capable of speaking for himself? Has it ever occurred to you that your claim to speak for him might be met with just a teensy bit of skepticism from most black people, who are entirely too used to other people claiming to speak for them? Ever heard the term “cultural appropriation”? You’re pretty much the poster child.
And as to the claim that you deeply understand racism just because you’re partnered with a person of color…listen, ladies, my husband is Asian (whoops, better whisper that around CM, we all know how she feels about Asian people). Does my marriage to him give me some kind of magical ability to understand what it feels like to be the victim of racism? Umm, no. Not even a little bit. I can lend him an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on when he needs it, be his sounding board or the person he rants to when he’s pissed, but will I ever really understand what it feels like to walk in his shoes? No. And neither will either of you.
And you know what bothers me, personally, the most about all your self-absorbed little rants? How many times in all of this kerfuffle have either of you ever said that you love the guy you married? OK, after we count those, how many references to your own sacrifices have you made? Put the two side by side…how’s that tally looking? And how does that make your partner/former partner feel, the idea that you value him more as a status symbol than a person?
Me, personally? I made no sacrifices by marrying my husband. He’s a great guy, and I’m lucky to have him. Now if only either of you could pull your heads out of your asses for long enough, maybe you might find yourself looking at your partner the same way…