Watch Cassandra go on a rampage…
So I’ve been meaning to write about BSDM, and then I’m hanging out on Trin’s page and what do I see but exhibit A of why most people have no idea what the whole thing’s all about. This is particularly vexing as the idiot in question seems to think that he’s a dom. Take a look at this…

“One of the after-the-fact scariest experiences of my life, however, and one that informs my sexual behavior now (I no longer have sex when very drunk and am a bit skittish about consent... I've actually had complaints about being too careful and un-spontaneous) was when I apparently very nearly raped a long-term girlfriend of mine by accident.Yes, that's right. Raped. By accident. I can hear the moans and hisses now.I was very drunk. One of her favorite things was for me to restrain her wrists with my hands, and also to have her neck bitten medium-hard.Apparently she was repeating "No" over and over, but in a moan that sounded (to me, drunk) like "Oh!" We worked out later that *yes* she was aroused and her voice conveyed that, but distress was also in her voice... A distress that before then had always been a part of our play.It wasn't until I started to unbutton (and had pulled myself off of her to do so) that I noticed the tears.”

There are so many problems with this I hardly know where to start…
OK, first of all, it is unwise to do BSDM drunk or otherwise chemically altered. Anything that slows down your perceptions mixed with the ability to seriously injure someone? Not a good idea.
Next – Yes, indeed, my stupid little friend, you will hear moans and hisses. And you deserve them.
Let’s revisit the conversation about “subtle clues” that someone is not happy during sex, shall we? Crying is not a subtle clue. It’s a very obvious one. Now granted this guy stopped once he actually saw tears, but…
This is the point I was making about being able to read other people’s body language.
When my SO and I are having sex, I can tell if he’s a little uncomfortable. I can tell if he’s tired. I can tell if his shoulder injury from a biking accident ten years ago is bothering him a little and we need to change position.
How can I tell these things? Because I’m paying attention.
Now, some might argue that I can tell these things because we’ve been together a long time, but I beg to differ. I was able to read him like that from the moment we met. He was able to read me the same way. That, friends, is compatibility. If you don’t have it, you probably shouldn’t be having sex. The ability to read each other’s non-verbal cues is VITAL to good sex.
There’s more to it than that, though. We can read each other because we CARE how each other feels. In other words, we pay attention. That little shifting thing he does sometimes? It means his shoulder hurts. I know this because the first time he did it I noticed, and I asked. When I’m on top and I kind of favor one side, or slow down? That means that the knee I injured playing hockey in high school is twinging, and I need to change position. When this happens I do not have to say “hey, my knee hurts”, because Mr Cassandra quickly observes that I am uncomfortable and is able to figure out why. How? Because the first time I reacted that way, he noticed and asked what was wrong. And here’s the nifty thing – when he first noticed he STOPPED what he was doing to ask.
This is how sex is supposed to work, people. You pay attention to your partner. You make the effort to read their non-verbal cues. If something doesn’t seem quite right, you stop and find out what’s going on. This is not rocket science. It’s sexual communication 101. Hell, it’s interpersonal communication 101. Anyone who doesn’t have a grip on this stuff isn’t ready for sex, because if they can’t or don’t care to read basic cues then the chance that they’re going to hurt someone is pretty high.
Now to the scenario above. How in the hell do you fail to notice that someone you’re lying on top of is CRYING? When people cry their whole body shows it – their breathing, the tension level in their torso, everything. If you don’t notice, guess what? You’re not paying attention. And in a sexual situation that level of inattention is dangerous.
Seriously people, is it really too much to ask that people notice if their partner is CRYING?

Now to the BSDM part. Being a dom is challenging. You know the sexual communication I mentioned above, the need to read other people’s body language? Think of what’s required for normal sex. Then multiply it by a hundred. You’re still not even close to the level of empathy and awareness you need to be a good dom.
A dom needs to be incredibly well tuned in to how their sub is doing. They need to be paying REALLY close attention to every little change in body language. If you engage in BSDM you’re taking the normal script and tearing it to pieces, you’re heading into territory where words don’t mean what they normally mean and extra caution is required. Done right it’s a mind-blowing experience for everyone involved. Done wrong? It can scar you for life.
Anyone who wants to be a dom needs to have shitloads of empathy. That empathy needs to go right to the marrow of your bones. If you don’t have that? Well, you have no business being a dom. Sooner or later, you’re going to misread a situation, and you’re going to hurt someone. It’s like putting someone who just got their licence at the wheel of a Formula 1 car. Very stupid, and very dangerous.
So…if you are someone whose sexual communication skills are so piss-poor that you can’t even tell when your partner is CRYING, BSDM is not for you, ESPECIALLY as a dom. Get the hell out of the kitchen until you learn how to cook before you do something stupid and burn the entire house down.

And for the record, the guy I quoted above? That’s not a dom. No real dom would ever “accidentally nearly rape” someone, because a REAL dom is completely in control of the situation at all times. And this part…” We worked out later that *yes* she was aroused and her voice conveyed that, but distress was also in her voice... A distress that before then had always been a part of our play.”
A real dom can tell the difference between the excitement that comes from having your limits pushed and genuine panic. If you can’t tell? You’re just not meant to be a dom. You lack the basic tools.
You just failed BSDM 101, asshole. Learn how to manage basic sex before trying again, because BSDM is for experts only.